Word Experiment # 7 Vertigo (please place your writing in the comment zone)

Comments

Holly Swan said…
Disguise myself as a rock.
Who would suspect
the power of a stone?
Only those who know my secrets.

When I think no one's watching,
I may just come out of my shell.
I'm getting braver,
as the days go on.

What if? Just maybe...
this shell was invisible,
a forcefield
to be reckoned with?

What then?
Would I get vertigo
from the perceived notion
that I have no shield?

Lies.

Lies we tell ourselves.
that we are not strong
that we are not worthy of the very best
that his world has to offer.

My shield will protect me
from your projected doubts,
your fears of failure.
When I jump, I'm gonna fly.

My shell will become wings!
My voice will echo in the canyons!
Do what you will, but
I will be free!

Your self deprication,
your judgement,
your self loathing, is yours!
I am me!
BT said…
Yeah, you tell em! I'm going Obsidian all the way.
I love this part so much
"My shell will become wings!
My voice will echo in the canyons!
Do what you will, but
I will be free!"

The last stanza is perfectas well. They can keep all there yuckiness because I can hear your voice echoing already.xoxox
BT said…
Vertigo #1

I find myself gasping for breathe

dizzy and pushing at nothing

as hard as I can


Each day

I am breathing deeply

anxiety attack

after anxiety attack


I have let you take over my days and nights for far too long


My past has once again backed me into a corner


I'm pacing back and forth

spanning the range from panic to isolation

fight to flight

Trying to gather myself

like bits of tattered cloth

ready to cover these oozing wounds


You sit fat

monstrously feasting on my psyche,

my heart races
once again with fear

a fear so deep
that I never forget for one second
that you may still be roaming these open streets


hidden in the shadows?

sitting on the subway?

living in the apartment next to me?


Who knows how many things you’ve broken in the last 14 years?

People you’ve killed without notice?


Free to appear when ever I let down my guard


Even now, I am still fighting you,

after all these years
I still where a knife in my boot
just in case
you turn that corner.
BT said…
Vertigo #2

With each panic attack,

I disassemble,

I break apart,

like glass slivers,

I am falling all around



There is a crowded bus ride ahead,

an elevator door closing behind,

5 o’clock traffic and all it’s stillness

waiting

The train with it’s voice letting me know that once again,

“the doors are now closing”



I find you there, every time,



Standing above me

6ft’ 4”

shoulders wide

Hands once again around my neck

Your body, heavy upon me

pushing yourself against me



How queer it must have been to you,

these unshaven legs,

legs that remind you of hatred



that remind you that I will never be yours

and that every women you hurt in this way

will slip further away from you

each time you turn them

into shattered glass



Is this your only way to make us remember you?



I am once again trapped under you

Unable to breathe

To catch my breathe

To slow my heart



I can not push you off

or shake the hand shaped bruises

that you left that night for me to carry



I have been carrying them ever since



You see, I have tried so many things since then,

arnica oil never seems to penetrate deep enough,

drinking only cost me money,

I tried to fuck the pain away,

Therapy,

Medication,

Love

and still

it never seems to be enough



and these bruises,

they only glow brighter when I turn off the lights



so, on many nights I sleep with the lights on



I stay wide awake

Waiting up until dawn



Her light filling me in

Patching me up,

like a broken window



I’m all blown out.
BT said…
In regards to Vertigo #1 & #2 I hate writing from a victims stand point, but really, I'm just being honest about my experience and the effect it has had on me, but I'm here and I can still tell my story. This is just where I'm at in one of the chapters. The story isn't over yet. Also, I think a lot of folks have been through similar experiences that have changed how they go about there daily lives. These things happen, like cause and effect so why not be upfront about them.
M said…
BT – for Vertigo #1

This is really excellent, in a frightening but very important way….. You very write really well about the awfulness of anxiety, how it can be a totally overwhelming experience; everything spins and can make us feel like we’re losing control. I like how you also express fear, suspicion, being haunted by a horrible experience, and consequently being very on edge. I really admire the part where it goes: “I have let you take over my days and nights for far too long….. Trying to gather myself / like bits of tattered cloth / ready to cover these oozing wounds.” The words “monstrously feasting on my psyche” are also very powerful. The last 4 lines are also great, and a very good ending to this poem so full of the terrible stranglehold that intense anxiety (and fear) can have over people because of an absolutely horrible experience. It’s painful and vivid, and bravely written. Well done for getting this down on paper. It's a very good poem about something very bad... Comments for Vertigo #2 below.
M said…
BT – for Vertigo #2

In the first stanza, the emotional pain of panic attacks is expressed very vividly. It’s really good how you then use examples like the crowded bus, elevator doors closing, traffic jams, and the closing doors of trains – all things that can make someone who has suffered a terrible trauma feel totally trapped and vulnerable. It’s excellent (and brave) how you then take the leap into the root of the problem. The part that begins “I find you there every time.....” - this part is written so painfully well that to say it’s powerful would be an understatement. The horrible feeling of helplessness and anger spills off the page and goes right into the reader’s heart. It makes the reader want to cry (and want vengeance) for every woman who has ever been hurt like this... Your words are blunt and angry and the imagery makes the reader feel like their heart is being jabbed as they read about the awfulness of the experience. So, the poem is extremely moving on many levels… I like how you then turn the poem toward the after-shock, and attempts to deal with an absolutely horrible experience... The very last stanza, that begins with “… and these bruises” is extremely well-written. It’s so brutally honest that it screams with hurt and rage. The ending seems to fit perfectly (especially considering all that came before it). I like the comparison to a window that’s been blown out (like from a devastating explosion), and needs to be patched up and put back together. It’s also a good ending because it connects with the very beginning of the poem where it goes “… I break apart, / like glass slivers, / I am falling all around.” It can't be easy to write about something so upsetting and horrible, but the poem is awesomely good on many levels - full of so many heavy emotions flying around (like those splinters of glass). I’m glad you were able to get this down on paper. Good for you, for reaching deep down and pulling out such important emotions. It takes guts to be honest about something so important, and I think there’s strength in honesty. It’s a very good poem about what must be the most horrible experience a woman can suffer (and so was Vertigo #1).
BT said…
MWB, your so awesome, I mean it, you are always so insightful and such a great friend. I always appreciate your thoughts and your writing. I had a really really hard time, writing these, I actually felt so removed from the experience while writing this that I wasn't sure if any of it was coherent. I do think that they could be better. I think maybe with a little separation from them, somewhere down the road, I will rewrite some parts. Thank you for your thoughts and as always for reading them. xo
M said…
Thanks, BT. You are pretty amazing too, and I really value our friendship. :)
Unknown said…
I recall a line from Rilke's tenth Elegy: "....we, who think of happiness as rising, would feel an emotion that almost startles when a happy thing falls"
Unknown said…
I would like one day to fall into a endless fall. The terror in falling is the sudden ground. Orbiting sattelites are hanging in a perpetual fall. A careful and harmless falling that circles the entire earth. Encompasing the greatest seas and mountains as if they were small things. Occasionally knowing the remote frozen poles and their secret light shows. Not being involved with day or night as the surface would know it. At a constant distance from the ground. a great height, nearer the star rich night at all hours and seldom removed from the sun. Icarus had known it for a moment. The sky has not welcomed such earthly visitors well. And falling is an irresistable catastrophy. At the shore of the ocean there is nowhere to fall. You are alredy there. Safe from heights, the ground is a soft welcoming place warm by the sun and the air is cool with mist. An easy place.
BT said…
@August - I love your style, always have. This is very eloquently written and the imagery is superb. "the remote frozen poles and their secret light shows" Love this. Beautifully done. Can't wait to read more.